5 Questions with: Red Kryptonite

RKCodename: Red Kryptonite
Base of Operations: Cambridge, Mass.
History: Red Kryptonite was raised by ewoks. Consequently, she is able to make elaborate patio furniture from sticks and twine, and is furry and adorable. When she grew to be three times as tall as her parents, they decided she was actually a wookiee. [She’s also the creator of all the art on this site. –PG]

PG: What was your favorite toy line growing up?

RK: Gotta be the Kenner Star Wars toys, with their tiny extending light sabers (please ignore how filthy that sounds) and their vinyl cloaks. You could own the entire, to-scale world. I had Chief Chirpa and Wicket; the ewok village; various cantina and Jabba-palace creatures; a 3PO whose arms and legs kept falling off, no matter how many times I glued him back together; Leia as bounty hunter; Lando as spy; several Vaders (lost one behind the couch but found him again); a vintage black-vested Han and a Chewie. On Sunday evenings they would take sides on the dining room table, and my dad and I would wage epic battles that were really just an excuse for us to chuck action figures at each other and make Wilhelm screams when they slid off the edge.

PG: Did the industry divide between “boys’ toys” and “girls’ toys” bother you?

RK: No. My parents never pressured stereotypical “female” toys on me or made me feel weird that I didn’t care about baby dolls who cried and wet themselves. (I still don’t get it; how is that fun?) I was more a cute animal/dinosaur/movie tie-in action figure enthusiast, and the ‘rents were happy to encourage that.

I had no interest in Barbie–other than her bitchin’ remote control convertible, which I *did* receive for Christmas one year–so they had no interest in forcing her on me. The only Barbie I ever owned spent the majority of her life trussed up and held for ransom inside a Hess truck.

PG: What’s your favorite Christmas television special?

RK: There are two things I adore most in this world (for the purposes of answering this question) and they are: stop-motion animation and puppets. In the former category, “Rudolph” wins, not by a nose, but by a cowboy on an ostrich. Of the latter, I choose the Jim Henson, not-technically-Muppetverse “The Christmas Toy,” which, despite predating “Toy Story” by many years, is about the secret lives of well-loved toybox denizens threatened by a new, flashier toy with a personality disorder. As an added twist, if a human in “The Christmas Toy” catches a toy moving of its own volition, that toy becomes inert forever. I was never the same after I realized my own potential as a toykiller.

PG: What’s your favorite toy-related Christmas memory?

RK: Probably the year my parents got a toy: a Casio keyboard, complete with pre-recorded backing beats like ‘rumba,’ ‘waltz’, and the amazing ‘demo’ button, which played a five-minute synth symphony of funk.

PG: In your opinion, what are the top five movie Santa Clauses and why?

RK: In no particular order:

Stabby Santa, “Hot Fuzz”

–Peter Jackson, in a half-second cameo, stabbing Simon Pegg through the hand. Brilliant.

St. Nicholas, “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe”

–I love the idea of St. Nick outfitting children for hand-to-hand combat.

Santa, Rankin-Bass’s “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”

–Because he’s such a dick. I like my Santas salty.

Ed Asner, “Elf”

–Casting that is too perfect to attempt to convey with mere words.

Dan Akyroyd, “Trading Places”

–The most awesomely pathetic moment ever committed to film. Reminds me every time what the holidays are all about, and how lucky I am not to be destitute, filthy, and the pawn of rich old white dudes. (Watch it now. Video NSFW for language and graphic depictions of Dan Akroyd under severe emotional distress.)

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1 Comment

  1. Esbat

    Haha… I knew I wasn't wrong to assert that Santa in Rudolph the red nosed reindeer was a closet racist!

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