Greetings–it is I, Skeletor, Overlord of Evil!
I couldn’t help but notice the mailbag is a bit thinner this time around. Not that I care, mind you–the less I have to deal with your inanity, the better–but I would think you’d want to do this for yourself. Here’s your chance to probe the incredible brain of a modern evil mastermind, and you’re squandering it!
Ahem. Again, not that I mind. On to the questions…
Andy asks: Dear Skeletor, you’ve had the rasp for over twenty-five years. Don’t you think it’s time to cut down on maniacal laughter?
Actually, it’s not the maniacal laughter that gives me this rasp–it’s THE COMPLETE LACK OF VOCAL CORDS. Duh.
PrfktTear writes: What do you think is hotter, chicks with green skin, yellow skin, pale white skin, or tan skin?
Well, in my experience, hot chicks usually have skin that starts out pink, turns bright red and then finally black as the stake burns down.
Mark is curious: Why do you not wear shoes? Are you broke?
Hardly. I’m simply allergic to wool boots, and the only other sort of shoe available in Eternia are Crocs–and I ****ing refuse to wear those things.
Griffin queries: If you were on Gilligan’s Island, how many times would you have let Gilligan screw up your plans to get off the island before you would have killed him?
Who is this Gill-Igan? Any relation to Mer-Man?
In any event, I would think it was obvious by now that I never kill my henchmen no matter how many times they screw up. If I did, I’d be pretty damned lonely here.
Red Kryptonite inquires: How do you solve a problem like Maria? Would love to get your perspective on this.
Fire–and lots of it!
Hordak the Stupid writes: WTF?! An advice column? I always knew you were a wuss, Keldor. Here’s a question: A close, personal friend betrayed me and left me stranded on some hellish world populated by freaky hot chicks who wear next to nothing but absolutely refuse to spread. How long do you suppose I am going to slowly torture that useless blue freak before I deign to let him die?
Pardon me, but: LOL!
It’s a lot easier to sound menacing when you’re not being interrupted by pig-noises from your own deviated septum, isn’t it, Hordy?
And I may be evil, but at least I respect women. As for your utterly impotent threat, all I can say is: come and get me, piggy. Oh that’s right, you can’t, because you’re too stupid to magick yourself out of Etheria!
Assclown.
Phoenix questions: Did you banish Matty Mattel’s facebook page?
What the hell is a “facebook page”? Stop making stuff up, peon!
Newton Gimmick needles, “Skeletor, are you also blue skinned porn star known for his money shot, Skeet-alor?”
Again you ply me with nonsense phrases. Stop speaking in tongues and ask a real question, fools!
Scott, um…(checking thesaurus), quizzes: Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman? The paperboy? Evening TV?
They were wiped off the face of the earth by the dark god Sag-Et, Eater of Worlds.
Hordak
…yeah, sure you "respect" women. Since your little column here is heading the way most all of you plans do – that is to say, careening toward utter failure with a level of alacrity that is somehow both disturbing and yet entirely expected – I'll ask another question right away: Did Evil-Lyn ever let you have 'the boys' back, or is she still keeping them in her purse?
PrfktTear
Aaah… so you like your chicks extra crispy! I can dig that! 😉 Me thinks I should get hold of Col. Sanders' secret herbs and spices. The closest I come to that is wax play.
Mark
Skeletor. Don't get me wrong…I wasn't being insulting. Just wondered, about the shoes.
You are a ****ing liar. You killed Sarod. You disintegrated him. I saw you do it. Everyone saw you do it. I have it on vhs and dvd. You blasted him because he failed you. Why blast him? You should have killed Karg….he didn't even get and action figure.
Red Kryptonite
FRAULEIN MARIA – NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Scott
Yeah, I have to say, no fair. His was the only question that didn't get answered.
He-Man
Fine, don't answer my question. This just means we're dropping her off at Snake Mountain to stay with you.
Pete
I demand someone make a custom figure of Sag-Et.