Pic courtesy Pixel-Dan.com
Procrustus
Real Name: ProcrustusAfter the Gods created the Five Dimensions, they hid their secret magic in the form of a star inside the core of a small planet in the center of the dimension of Eternia. Naming the planet after the dimension it resided in, they assigned the immortal four-armed giant Procrustus to remain there and guard their magical secrets. Over the millennia, the magic began to seep out, and many wise magicians learned to tap into these powers for both good and evil. In time, the ruthless warlock Hordak attempted to break apart Eternia using a spell of separation in order to access the magic’s source. Although his spell was thwarted, Procrustus was now forced to literally hold the planet together remaining forever at the planet’s core!
Procrustus originates from a two-page appearance in the early minicomic “The Magic Stealer.” The story begins when Skeletor comes across a pyramind in Eternia’s North Pole that allows him to absorb all the energy of Eternia. (The fact that such a thing not only exists but was sitting around unguarded shows why I sometimes think everyone on Eternia is too stupid to live.)
Things go haywire in Eternia, so He-Man heads off to the North Pole to investigate. In the course of his journey, this happens:
(images from James Eatock’s The He-Man and She-Ra Blog)
Questions abound: how did He-Man recognize Procrustus on sight? Has the guy come to the surface before? Does He-Man head down to Eternia’s core for the occasional Gods and Demigods’ Night?
More importantly, where the hell was Procrustus going? “Eh–? Oh, it’s He-Man. Why do you restrain me? I’ve been holding Eternia together for 4,000,000,000 years, so I thought I’d earned a spare minute to run to the Circle-K for a soda and a Caramello.” Then He-Man shoots him back down into the core of Eternia, and Procrustus just takes it like a wuss. I’ve really got to start doing reviews of the minicomics, some of them are truly hilarious. UPDATE: As Poester Robzy pointed out in the comments, Procrustus, like everything else “magic” in Eternia, was responding to the lure of the “magic-siphon” Skeletor was operating. So that’s where he was going, I guess. It’s nice that Eternia can hang together for a few minutes while Procrustus goes topside for a few, but this still seems like a really tenuous way to run a planet.
Anyway, we get a bit more of Procrustus’s history here in the bio. Now we’re told there are Gods who created the Five Dimensions, and Procrustus becomes an “immortal four-armed giant” they assign to guard their magical secrets, which consist of…what? Castle Grayskull?
Procrustus’s job is now explained as a result of Hordak’s attempt to split Eternia in half, which is a rather nice way to tie his minicomic appearance to this story angle, which is derived from the Millennium cartoon.
MegaGearMax
Poe, Procrustus is one of the gods of Eternia. He-Man probably knows him from mythology, just as we would know a white haired beareded man in a toga with a lightning bolt as Zeus. Besides, his mentor is a Goddess herself.
Robzy
All jokes aside, @Poe you asked "where the hell was Procrustus going?"
Procrustus is "leaving his post" because he (like all "magical" things) is drawn to Skeletor's pyramid in the North Pole. He-Man even says in the pics of the panels above…
"I cannot allow you to give yourself up to it".
Clearly, it's drawing Procrustus towards it and He-Man "restrains" him so Eternia doesn't collapse. Procrustus replies…
"The lure of the Magic Siphon is strong.. Hurry!"
Poe Ghostal
You're right. Such is the result of a quick reading in search of jokes! But you're correct, Procrustus was being drawn toward the North Pole pyramid thing. Whose existence, honestly, is the really laughable part of the narrative…someone really needs to do a good survey of Eternia and get all these magical artifacts of doom into a vault or something. I mean seriously, how many times has some geegaw nearly brought about the end of the world?
Bigbot
I would only trust He-Man with doing an extensive survey, and that would leave him pre-occupied while Skeletor is able to do what he pleases.
Robzy
Yeah, the disadvantage Mini-comics have is that they have to explain everything with (sometimes) only a frame or two, or even a line of dialogue. So it comes across cheesy.
Still, I agree (as with all 80s villains) they had easy access to some pretty incredible orbs of destruction… for that week! The following week, it would be a new scheme or device 🙂
Zach S.
*BEGIN SELFISH, OPINIONATED RANT*
Looks cool…sure…yeah…whatever. But why are we getting a character whose only appearance was in a few panels in a mini comic? Even calling it "two pages" is a stretch and makes him sound way more important. "Classics" usually refers to something that is, you know, classic. Imagine if you will, a couple of guys thinking back to their youth and being all like:
Bro A: Dude, remember that crazy giant that came out of the ground and like, He-Man shot his ass?!?
Bro B: Oh yeah dude, tota–wait, no. Not at all. Who are you and why are you in my house?
A slot for a more worthy character has been taken…and if the overpriced, under-articulated Procrustus fails to sell out for several weeks, he will become a poster child for the failing health of the line. Give me Modulok or Multibot, Two-Bad or Tyrantisaurus in this "oversized figure" slot. The earth will be saturated with the tears of my inner child should MOTUC die and all of the vintage figures have not been accounted for. And that, my friends, is something you do not want to experience.
However, I want to offer a warm congratulations to the Procrustus Fan Club, who have been clamoring for and relentlessly petitioning for a Procrustus figure for 30 years…enjoy!
*END SELFISH, OPINIONATED RANT*
All that said (and, mind you, it was quite tongue-in-cheek), I'm glad those who want Procrustus will get the chance to enjoy him…but I'll be sitting this one out.
Robzy
" "Classics" usually refers to something that is, you know, classic."
Procrustus is more "classic" than, say, The Mighty Spector! At least I've heard of him! 🙂
Zach S.
True that!
I imagine the Mighty Spector conversation between those same two dudes would simply be a punch to the face.
PrfktTear
I had no idea who the hell Procrusty was.
Robzy
Fair enough! But the point is, he's been around for nearly 30 years – even if you've never heard of him. 🙂
dayraven
DMW- what i don't get here is why this is "as stupid as Filmation." to answer a point poe touched on, eternia is a realm whose civilization has imploded after some disaster, so yes, there were powerful artifacts/locations that might be known by a select few, but they are not enough in number to police everywhere. that's not stupid, that is thought out, and it is layered. the MYP cartoon confuses that notion by having people and varying civilizations that all the power items and locations now in fact have someone who could have been guarding them. heck, some of the more famous of the "new" characters in the MYP were explicitly created to ferry new objects and locations into the story. not bad storytelling, but not very inventive.
whatsmore, i wouldn't personally call filmation stupid, but i would call it simplistic because it was targeted at young kids. so you get bad guys who's menace lies completely in exaggerated eyes and a bubbly voice, rather than in the more explicit presentations employed in the mini-comics. likewise, the early mini-comics had a cohesive tale being told, and filmation tossed that completely out and added elements like he-man transforming from adam to empower the audience vicariously. the mini-comics didn't rely on that kind of emotional manipulations to tell their tales, at least not until the cartoon. then the whole narrative shifts, and the newer mini-comics do pick up that less interesting version of the mythos.
as for procrustus himself, firstly, poe read that wrong… the bio states that the gods "assigned the immortal four-armed giant Procrustus to remain there and guard their magical secrets" which is not the same as saying they made him immortal, or four-armed, for the purpose of guarding their secrets. i don't see anything stupid there yet. he's no less convoluted that stacks of turtles or giant invisible men in the sky.
in the mini-comic, he-man knows who procrustus is by appearance… if a blue skinned deity appeared w/ a flaming bow and arrow, a whole host of humans would be able to identify rama without having previously seen him… that's not stupid, it's studying one's history. poe's jokes are jokes, they're not legitimate commentary on the quality of the narrative. if you wanted to question how the narrative really makes sense, the greater question would be how procrustus knows he-man by sight… unless he has eternia on closed circuit television down there in the core, i don't know how he's aware of the happenings on the surface. but since we can tell from the narrative that the magical manipulation skeletor is conducting is something that procustus can sense, maybe he can feel when a new he-man is chosen? the power of grayskull having a new host might be construed as significant enough of an event that procrustus can pick up on that, or perhaps, there is some kind of cult or something that might be the source of information back and forth from the surface… certainly, mythological characters in the really real world often had cults devoted to them, sometimes even long after or far removed from the parent culture of the tales, why should eternia be any different? they are still people, kind of.
just saying man, if you want to read some jokes, i have no problem w/ jokes… like if procrustus was at one time the God of Eternian Bread… but if you want to conduct a serious analysis of the work, as if it's literature, then you have to be discerning and thorough… as if it's literature. the early mini-comics, i believe it was 11 issues in length, were without doubt the most solid and consistent narrative we've yet been presented with for this property.
Cythagen
"…like if Procrustus was at one time the God of Eternian Bread…"
Guess we all know who gets to display Wun-Dar's "Eternian meal"–give those extra hands something to do!
PresidentJuggernaut
This guy looks really cool. Like he came strait out of Cabin in the Woods.
snarf! Snarf!
How can we display Procrustus? Having him doing any other thing than holding the planet together means everyone on Eternia DIES!!
Procrustus is punching King Hsss Hordak AND Skeletor? = Dead planet!
Procrustus is protecting Orko = Dead Planet!
Zach S.
Excellent!
Although, as clearly evidenced in the brilliant piece of narrative above, Eternia won't collapse instantly if Procrustus abandons his post. It can hold together for at least the amount of time it takes to crawl out of the planet core and get shot with a laser, then plummet back into said planet core. And who knows how much longer after that…Procrustus may have needed a moment to compose himself, figure out what the hell just happened and take a few deep breaths before resuming his duties.
Jack Static
Im lookin foward to this giant. He looks pretty cool, and. I’m diggin the whole approach to how the 4h handled the 4 arms. Great review and commentary on the minic comic btw!
Chris
Away with that nonsense. He is going to be a stone giant summoned by Skeletor.
Dead Man Walking
Proof that the mini-comics could be just as stupid as Filmation. Not that I'm absolving Filmation of its stupidity, just that some fans act as though the minicomics are some storehouse of rich, classic MOTU tales. The fact of the matter is that the 200X comics and show are the most coherent official MOTU fiction ever created–and those are mediocre at best.
PrfktTear
I couldn't agree more. People are so quick to put down Filmation and herald the minicomics as the be-all-end-all of MOTU fiction… but its really not.
MegaGearMax
The mini-comics never did anything as absurd as having He-Man push a moon from a Wind Raider or have him swim upstream.
The book never went into why the Magic Stealer was unguarded. But did we need to have some kind of explanation as to why the Magic Stealer wasn't discovered already? Skeletor finds lots of hidden artifacts throughout the entire mythos.
PrfktTear
Not only are the people on Eternia really stupid, but you can't walk ten feet without stumbling onto some mystical artifact or magic statue. "Oh look, its the Azure Gem of Tihsllub!"