“Homeless Bastards!”

The original home of the Bastards of the Universe, Articulated Discussion, is taking a break for the time being. (Come back soon, TAO!) So, I asked Poe if he would give the Bastards a home, and he charitably (or foolishly, depending on your opinion!) said yes!

A little background: since I’m old, I never had Masters of the Universe toys as a kid, or watched the original cartoon. When the 200X line came out, I was working in a mall, and picked up a few at my job. In particular, I remember getting Stratos, since I saved him from the dumpster while working a store closure.

I have no idea how you guys put up with Mattel to get Masters of the Universe Classics. To me, they seem overpriced; from the reports I read, the quality control seems dicey; and ordering seems to be designed to punish you for wanting them.

But, I remembered back when the first MOTU figures ruled the toy aisle, there were a ton of competing lines trying to help themselves to a piece of the action. Remco’s Warlord line, for one. I loved the comic book, but the figures were straight-up knockoffs: the packaging even proclaimed “Plays with Masters of the Universe.” I had a Warlord figure, and a yard-sale found Battlecat; and they were the start of the Bastards.

Conan is a pretty obvious next choice: regardless of the official story, it’s readily apparent he was a huge influence on He-Man. Toy Story 3‘s Twitch may remind some of lines like Sectaurs, but I see a direct line from Buzz-Off to him. And Beta Ray Bill, from Marvel Legends, was sculpted by the Four Horsemen, before they moved on to MOTUC. So, I had my Bastards, and they began their adventures in the Eternia in my head. (A medieval culture that has ray guns, flying things, and cable; and where it’s not uncommon for your running crew to include a robot or bug guy.)

So, to celebrate moving over to Poe’s, we’ve got a contest! I’ve told you why I picked mine, but who would your Bastards lineup include? Robots? Barbarians? Fish-guys? Pirates? To me, that’s kind of the best thing about Eternia: I appreciate that as a line, Masters of the Universe was able to include guys like Ninjor, Clamp Champ, and Rio Blast.

Leave a comment with your four picks, and if you want, a link to a picture of your Bastards, that might be used in a later strip! One will be picked at random and win a loose Marvel Legends Beta Ray Bill, a carded Toy Story 3 Twitch, a carded Conan the Adventurer, and a loose and saddleless Battlecat! (Warlord fans, sorry, but getting a 1982 Travis or a DC Direct one didn’t cost out!)

International? OK, you gotta spring for postage. Sorry.


Toy Aisle Trolls > Snow Rob


Pic of the Day


  1. Brian

    Line Up 1:

    -Marvel Shapeshifters Hulk

    -WWE Elite John Cena (just to get some kids and women to read)


    -Toy Biz Resident Evil Mr X

    Line Up 2:

    -Jabba The Hutt: the boss

    -G1 Reissue Optimus Prime

    -Santino Marella (WWE Elite) for comedy

    -200x Orko

  2. I've always liked this idea, so much that I did a post on it on my own blog:

    My basterds.

  3. Miloelgato

    I would form an all Conan Bastard team:

    1-Mego Conan, for the vintage toys and TMT lovers

    2-Remco Conan, for the much needed He-Manesque factor

    3-Hasbro Conan, just because

    4-LCBH Conan, for the articulation buffs

    5-Finally I would include Detective Conan (from the anime Case Closed) as the brains of the team

  4. pattycakeman

    So the story of my Bastards cannot be contained to just 4 characters. I frequent value village (a thrift store in Canada) that’s across the street from my work and clearance bins at other stores, and enjoy purchasing "bastards" as you would put it, for my desk world. (all my good toys go home for my collection)

    Currently I have a classic good vs. bad happening in the world.

    The "Bastards of Evil" are currently in control and their "Underling Bastards" who want more recognition.

    The "Bastards of Evil" are:

    Battle Damage Skeletor (MOTU) he believes himself to be the leader but the others make fun of him behind his back.

    Rocksteady (TMNT) he is missing half an arm but had it replaced with a laser.

    Transformers Darth Vader (turns into a deathstar) – missing his feet so he has trouble standing unless leaning up against something and no lightsaber but that was replaced with a bic pen.

    last but not least…

    Lucy Pevenise (chronicles of Narnia) – her gaze and little knife make her very devious and a little scary.. she runs the show by using darth vader transformer to get her way.

    The "Underling Bastards" consist of

    Dragstor (MOTU)

    Squeeze (MOTU)

    Some Big Figure from Spawn

    Darth Vader PEZ (used to be part of the big boys but was kicked out when darth vader transformer showed up so he has a sense of entitlement)

    So they face off against the "bastards of good" team of ninja turtles, Lego men (who are absolutely useless in a battle against evil), a wind up robot and a stack of Pokémon cards.

    They have been losing the battle for a while but hopefully new recruits Emma Frost, Banshee (marvel legends) and Charbroil (GI Joe) will be able them to recapture the desk world.

    True Bastards of the desk are the wanderers

    Muckman (TMNT) nobody likes him because he smell, he only wants to have friends.

    Captain Jack Sparrow (pirates of the Caribbean) who travels with Jacks giant crab and Asland (chronicles of Narnia) he left Lucy when she turned evil.

    Munny He just hangs out and watches from afar.

    Here are some pics: http://s1196.photobucket.com/albums/aa413/Andrew_

  5. PrfktTear

    I agree, Samurai Leo is a favorite of mine!

  6. Poe

    @Snarf! Snarf! (aka) Doc_OCK_4MUGEN: I love Samurai Leonardo. One of the best of the costumed Turtles.

  7. Snarf! Snarf! (aka)

    Samurai Leonardo: (Original TMNT), the stoic Samurai Ninja Leader (a walking Contradiction)

    Shiwreck&Polly: He knows his way around water, comedic relief and the little man can have his way with the ladies… or so he thinks.

    Barbie: She cleans up after the Bastards. I don't mean this in a sexist way. She ACTUALLY GETS THE JOB DONE unlike the rest of the bastards… Think of her like Snake-eyes/wolverine/internet-chuck-norris but looking like a supermodel kind of thing.

    Any NECA/ToddMcFarlane almost staction figure: Always complaining about his inability to move his legs.

    Naruto: The new annoying young recruit/Sidekick that Shipwreck is trying to turn into a Shipwreck Jr…. Believe it!

    Best teams have 5 members… (or 4 and an honorary member)

  8. I could probably think of a better lineup than Beastboy, Hawkman, Green Arrow, and Etrigan, and – if I gave it some thought – I'm convinced I could come up with a more appropriate bunch of bad guys than Steppenwolf, Man-Bat, Shark, and Kalibak…

    But, if I did think of something better, I'd feel compelled to take a new picture, while I've already got these sitting around from last March (scroll to bottom):


  9. PrfktTear

    I'm not so sure who my Bastards! would be, but I know who they would fight: Baron Dark from the Skeleton Warriors line. His second in command would be Slithe, the reptillian mutant from Thundercats.

  10. takeittothemax

    I would use

    Locutus of Borg (Star Trek TNG Playmates line)

    Mothmonster Man (from Palisades Aquateen Hunger Force)

    Muffet the Daggett (vintage Battlestar Galactica toys)

    Metamorpho (DCUC Classics)

    Sontaran (Character Options Doctor Who)

  11. BumblebeeZ3

    Four figures, three around my room, one I'm not sure where.

    Wild Ones Rock Climber Red Dogg

    (mine currently has He-man's harness and axe)

    a Jawa

    (currently equipped with a Jokerfish)

    Robert from D.I.C.E.

    (currently driving the Lego Batmobile)

    and glowing skeletal Geronimo

    (MIA, probably in a box in Storage or something)

  12. Mecha-Shiva

    Mutagen Man from 80's tmnt

    Slush Head from the new adventures of He-man

    Dr.Hyde from the Coleco Rambo toys

    Oil Slick from transformers animated

  13. dayraven

    secret wars magneto

    defenders of the earth phantom

    vintage he-man

    G1 optimus prime

  14. Interesting idea, got me thinking for a while. Okay, here's what I would use as my Bastards:

    – HERCULES (Marvel Legends)
    The brave but maybe not so clever leader, read to save the day 24/7. And the stories this demi-god veteran has to spare… .

    Every team should have the "brain" of a failed brand to guide it… no matter whether they listen to him or not… .

    Never can have enough muscle on the team, and dialogue between him and the others would be… interesting… .

    – T-BOB (M.A.S.K.)
    Being the "friend" of Matt Trakkers boy for years probably would have taken its toll on this AI. Not to mention that the others need a ride to the battlefield… .

    By the way: Those old Concan toys rocked!

  15. jackstatic

    This article made me laugh, because it made me think of my younger brother. He is about, 6 years younger then me, and as I never really grew out of the toy phase (unlike him, who eventually did) I used to play with him all the time, we'd set up schemes and towns with all out collective figures. But Over the years, 4 that wound up survivng the longest, and for some reason wound up becoming favorites of ours (tho we no longer have them)

    would definitely be considered bastards.

    1, 1983 Star Wars Royal Guard – As a kid, I was never in to star wars, and im not entirely sure WHERE this particular figure came from, as I was born in 82, probably was a shelf warmer or something in all his cloth robe glory. Prior to about 1999, he was the ONLY star wars figure I had ever owned, and somehow, he lasted up until 1996

    2, Toybiz's marvel strong guy. He was my brothers, and neither of us read x-men comics as kids (i was a batman guy) so outside of the x-men cartoon, i knew very little about them, so when my brother came home with him from a day out with my grandparents i said "Why didnt you buy wolverine?" ill never forget my brothers response "This guy has cool glasses"

    3. From the swamp thing toy line – The leader of the evil Un-Men, Anton Arcane. I remember my brother picking him up in a woolworhts and i dont know why when he could have had a swamp thing, but he was a mainstay, even tho he was essentially just an evil mutant in a suit….

    4. from the dino rider toy line, the villian hammerhead. I cant remember if he was a genenric troop or a named, but he was there, and he lasted, i still have him laying around in a bin somewhere to be honest, quite amazing what ACTUALLY survives the years.

    oh and to top it all off, the 4 of these guys drove around in like, a plastic army jeep that was so large, it was slightly oversized for thundercat figures.

    Like i said, its amazing what figures and toys wind up sticking with you through the years, just because of durability, memories, or just luck in what lasts in the toy bin, but these 4 guys specifically remind me of some good times with my brother, even tho i cant explain why they wound up constantly being played with

  16. Darren

    I hope that Articulated Discussion is back up and running soon!

    If I were to cast my own version of the Bastard's I would start with Casey Jones from TMNT and the hand puppet that the Sectaurs rode.

  17. Darren

    I hope that Articulated Discussion is back up and running soon!

    If I were to cast my own version of the Bastard's I would start with Casey Jones from TMNT and the battle cat like hand puppet from Sectaurs.

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