So Poe and I were chatting online last Wednesday night, and somehow the topic of discussion turned to hilariously inappropriate toys. I say, “We should do a write-up on this…a top ten or something.” Poe says, “Go for it.”

So I did. I present the top five mass-market toys that should probably never reach a child’s hands:

5) Mattel’s Barbie

Barbie and Ken are such a long-regarded staple of the toy industry that they’re hardly even given attention anymore, but remember the controversy they used to generate? In the beginning, Barbie’s adult figure and full-featured curves shocked parents in droves, who believed no child’s toy should have such a level of realism. Mattel was smart though, and targeted the children directly with televised adverts, whipping them into a frothy pink frenzy.

The truly disturbing thing about Barbie, though, is her dip into uncanny valley. While it’s not a bad thing for Mattel to remove the more…explicit details, the lack of said details on Barbie’s entirely nude female form is jarring, to say the least. Fortunately, Mattel wised up for their Ken doll, who sported a permanent pair of sculpted underwear from his very first incarnation, though he’s also entered gender-ambiguous land down the road.

On the scale, though, even Barbie is pretty tame, and really only makes the list for the history of her controversy–which is why she’s resting comfortably at the bottom of the list.

4) DC Direct’s Kingdom Come: Shazam

Holy hip-thrusting, Batman!

DC Direct’s sculptors really did a great job of capturing Captain Marvel’s iconic pose from the Kingdom Come storyline–what this guy lacks in articulation he makes up for in sheer presence. Unfortunately, the most “present” part of him seems to be that forward-shifted groin area. It’s not uncommon for characters in flight to be portrayed with their muscled chests prominently pushing up and out, but the downside to all that posing is that a slight change in the angle of orientation changes the area of the body placed in the line of fire, so to speak.

Still, DCD is focused on collector oriented material, and so your precious Timmy isn’t too likely to stumble across it in his local Target or TRU, which is why it’s not higher on the list. Given TRU’s recent public shift on collector toys, however, you Werthamites may want to keep a sharp eye out!

3) Disney’s Tarzan: Vine Jammin’ Tarzan

I stumbled across this one while looking for another toy Poe was telling me about. The mind-scarring effects of giving your young one a bare-chested man in nothing but a loincloth aside, it’s the packaging, not the figure itself, which really earns this one its spot on the list. It isn’t just the leering grin, the suggestive positioning of the figure, or the vice-like grip on his snake, it’s also the name that ties it all together. Vine Jammin’? Seriously? Who thought that would be a good idea? Toss in the naturally euphemistic nature of the words ‘snake’ and ‘vine’, and this one hits it out of the pervert park.

However, not only is Vine Jammin’ Tarzan not the worst toy on this list, it’s not even the worst Tarzan toy shown here. I present for your consideration:

2) Disney’s Tarzan: Rad Repeatin’ Tarzan

First, look at this thing.

Look at it. You don’t even have to try to imagine why that’s bad for kids. Check out the way that hand rests so comfortably over his crotch. “So?” You may be thinking. “It’s just a bad packaging error.” But it gets worse. The original packaging for the figure allowed the right arm to swing free, letting kids test out the action figure before enthusiastically showing it off to their horrified parents right in store aisles. The figure immediately generated quite a bit of buzz, but no actual complaints–however, Mattel wasn’t taking any chances. They issued a running change in the packaging in advance of any lawsuits, narrowly ducking what could have been a large legal controversy.

However, there’s still a noteworthy point to consider: Mattel changed the packaging, sure. But what did Mattel not do? They didn’t change the figure. The thing may be safer in stores, but let little Timmy take that thing home, and the only difference in the level of scarification is that your home will no longer feel safe, as opposed to the local toy aisle.

“It can’t be that bad,” you’re probably saying to yourself. Wrong. It can.

1) Hasbro’s Star Wars: Sarlacc Pit Playset

Hasbro’s SDCC slide show premiered a new playset for all those kids in search of oedipal relief (or terror, given the jaws involved): The Sarlacc Pit, complete with figures to be fed to its gaping maw. Forum reports have all stated that the set doesn’t really look as bad as this image suggests, but in response I say it’s all a question of angle–the photo’s bad enough that I won’t include it directly on the site without Poe’s permission. Easily the most graphic toy here, it’s no wonder it makes the top of our list.

The good news is, this set actually isn’t out yet, so you fretful parents can take preventative measures in advance.