The Eternia Poster from Adam to Webstor

I enjoyed doing the A to Z for the Grayskull poster so much, I decided to do it for the other two posters as well. This week it’s the Eternia poster, and next week I’ll put up the Powers of Grayskull (dinosaur) poster.

Sadly, Zodac isn’t in this one, robbing me of that satisfying “(A)dam to (Z)odac” symmetry. Bastards.

This poster clearly came out at a time when Mattel was pushing all those goofy accessories like the Stilt Stalker, Beam Blaster and Artilleray. Also noteworthy is the fact that Man-At-Arms, despite being one of the most iconic characters in the franchise, is nowhere to be seen.

Before I go any further, I do want to say that my intention with these articles is not to make fun of the artist, who probably had very little in the way of direction other than “paint these toys fighting, and show off the action features.” I doubt the artist even knew much about the characters themselves, so we shouldn’t hold it against him if Mosquitor is dousing Spikor in the Slime Pit, or the Monstroid is attacking its own allies.

And in terms of the art itself, I think it’s pretty nice work, actually. This one was done by William George. Again, we have He-Lurker to thank for the scan.

But enough preamble–let’s get it on.

• (Prince) Adam is once again in one place while He-Man is elsewhere. Adam’s up on the “Grayskull” side of the Eternia tower with Orko, holding the Megalaser but not actually using it. That’s helpful, Adam. Maybe this guy is just someone pretending to be Adam–maybe even Man-At-Arms himself? It would certainly help maintain the wafer-thin illusion that Prince Adam and He-Man are two different people.
• The Artilleray looked awesome the first time I saw it–in Star Wars.
• There are Battle Bones on both sides of the conflict–I guess whatever necromancer conjured them up doesn’t take sides. Or just likes money.
• Battle Cat is really bookin’ down that hill.
• Fisto is carrying a portable dehumidifier, a.k.a the Beam Blaster. Seriously, that thing is even less inspired than the Artilleray.
• I don’t even remember the Blasterhawk, but the fact that Mekaneck’s flying it doesn’t bode well for its reputation.
• D’oh! Apparently the Heroic Warriors had hoped to keep Buzz-Off imprisoned until the battle was over, but he’s escaped so he can get in everyone’s way and cause Jar-Jar-like hijinks.
• Castle Grayskull is now relegated to second banana playset duty behind Eternia. The jawbridge also looks way cooler than the actual toy.
• Clamp Champ is getting to Eternia the hard way. What the hell is he a “champ” of, anyway? Clamping? I think Clamps would have something to say to that. Clamp. That’s a funny word. Clamp. Clamp. It even looks funny. Clamp. OK, now it’s lost all meaning to me.
• Dragstor seems to have decided to skip the battle for street luge practice. And he’s not even doing it right.
• I never thought the Eternia playset was that cool. It’s so clearly a toy, a kind of twisted Duplo vision of Eternia. The little track was kind of neat, though.
• Evil-Lyn, I always thought your wand was kind of wimpy. I hope the Four Horsemen sexy that up for your MOTUC figure.
• Now come on, Extendar, you’re just extending because you can. Save it for the fight. Or a sex tape with Teela.
• Faker just got PWNED by Fisto and his Dehumidifier of Doom.
• Speaking of Fisto, can he even work the Beam Blaster with that hand?
• I’d like to point out that Flying Fists He-Man is beating Skeletor with some doohickey that is neither fists nor flying. Nice spiffy white trim on the boots, though.
• The Fright Fighter is pretty cool, actually.
• The Horde Troopers seem not only willing but happy to run toward Eternia’s lion mouth. I suppose if it were a choice between listening to Hordak’s wheezy pig-voice all day or sweet, sweet oblivion, I’d be right behind them.
• Hurricane Hordak is currently 18-4 in the light heavyweight class. His next bout will be with Jose “The Tornado” Dominguez. Order it now on Pay-Per-View!
• The Jet Sled is a plastic triangle display stand that cost $2.99.
• I’m not sure, but I think Jitsu and Webstor are cheering at Faker’s death. I guess even the Evil Warriors think he’s a joke.
• King Hiss is badass and I won’t mock him. OK, fine–his human facade is about as convincing as Bruce Jenner’s.
• King Randor is thinking up a delicious new breakfast sandwich.
• Kobra Khan is glaring at Two-Bad. Like it’s Two-Bad’s fault the Monstroid went berserk? Please. Two-Bad can’t even quit hitting himself.
• Isn’t that Whiplash driving the Land Shark? What, he doesn’t rate a nametag?
• The Laser Bolt looks like the Road Ripper, only it’s…red.
• Man-E-Faces just missed the Fright Fighter by like a mile. Stop and aim, dude.
• You know, there just aren’t enough praying mantis-based vehicles out there. Thanks for blazing that trail, Mantisaur.
• Megabeast (Multibot & Modulok) – isn’t that a Rob Zombie song? Also, that toy contains at least three too many groins.
• You know what’s better than your average, garden-variety laser? A Megalaser.
• Just like last time, Mekaneck isn’t really doing anything for the battle.
• “Bwahaha, with the Horde’s new Monstroid behind us, we will crush these heroic warri–GAH! What’s it doing? Why’s it attacking us?!? HOOOORRRRDDDAAAAKKKKK!!!!”
• Mosquitor is evidently using the Slime Pit for his own purposes–i.e., settling a score with Spikor, a fellow Evil Warrior.
• Let me ask you, Moss Man: how is being on stilts with a laser gun better than being not on stilts with a laser gun?
• Ninjor. Man, what a blatant sop this guy was to the whole ninja fad in the 1980s. I’m surprised they didn’t just sculpt him with Chuck Norris’s face.
• Evil-Lyn is on Panthor…why are the two women on tigers? It’s like Opposite Day at Sigfried and Roy’s bungalow.
• Rattlor might want to save that whole snake-strike action feature until he’s actually, y’know, near a guy.
• Domo arigato, Roboto. (That’s all I got.)
• Is Rokkon waiting for Stonedar to hike the ball to him?
• I blame Orko for letting Buzz-Off out of his playpen.
• When is Rio Blast going to find his way back to New Texas? The guy realizes how out-of-place he looks, right?
• Scare Glow: “Sleeeep! SLEEEEEEEEEEEP!”
• Again, the Slime Pit is being used by an Evil Warrior, Mosquitor, to oozify another Evil Warrior, Spikor. Maybe there’s some sort of feud going on between the Horde and Skeletor’s troops.
• Snake Mountain looks pretty deserted. I would’ve left at least one guard, but whatever, I’m not the Overlord of Evil.
• Sweet zombie Jesus, Snout Spout is goofy.
• Hey, Sorceress, how about you do something to help out, huh? At least Man-E-Faces is contributing, even if he can’t aim for shit.
• In real life, Spikor was one of the last figures you ever wanted to put in the Slime Pit, because the slime would get stuck in all the crevices between the spikes.
• There were a lot of laughable aspects of the MOTUniverse, but Stilt Stalkers had to be one of the goofiest accessories ever made. Stilts aren’t useful for anything except crossing a shallow stream or scaring children at carnivals.
• I wonder how long Stinkor had to wait in line, and whether he’s going to finally try a black diamond trail.
• Is Stonedar transforming into his mighty form of a…rock, or did he just trip?
• Stratos is waving a cutlass around while riding the Battle Bones. WTF?
• Sy-Klone is also present.
• Teela gets to ride Battle Cat, which is like Lando flying the Millennium Falcon, except she didn’t betray her friends to their worst enemies first.
• Terror Claws Skeletor knows nothing strikes more fear into one’s enemies than a purple sports bra.
• Tung Lashor‘s hands creep me the f*** out.
• Two-Bad, it’s not your fault, no matter what Kobra Khan’s glare of hate may say.
• Dear Webstor: What was working with Alex Karras like? (rimshot)