Codename: Santa Claus
Specialty: Philanthropist
Base of Operations: The North Pole
History: The origins of the magical being known as Santa Claus are shrouded in mystery. Despite popular depictions in hundreds of books, television shows, and movies, the real Santa Claus remains as much an enigma as ever.

OK, I’m officially as giddy as a schoolboy. Today I have a real treat for everyone–an interview with none other than the jolly ol’ elf himself, Kris Kringle, Ol’ Saint Nick, the man known best as Santa Claus. Don’t ask how he managed to fit me into his busy schedule–I just shot him an email and he wrote me back.

PG: Thank you for taking the time for this. I realize you’re a busy man, particularly today. Let’s get right to the important questions: what’s your distribution plan for the DC Universe Classics line this Christmas?

Well, the deals I make with the toy manufacturers require that I not make or distribute anything that they haven’t gotten to the stores. And I don’t think those are out yet, are they? Honestly I can’t keep up with such things.

PG: While we’re on the topic, how do the toy manufacturers feel about the way you manufacture and distribute their items for free, which technically amounts to industrial espionage, plagiarism and copyright infringement, to name just a few?

I work closely with the toy companies to ensure that all my products are built to the same standards as their own. As for recompense, the contracts my account elves make with these companies guarantees satisfaction for all parties.

PG: What are your thoughts on the sculpting vs. articulation debate?

Until about a century or two ago, all toys had only a few points of articulation–especially figures. Personally, I’ve always thought of toys as something to be played with, but I understand where the collectors are coming from, too.

PG: What’s the hardest part of your job?

These days, it’s the videogames. And I thought board games were hard to make when they first came out! The videogames are so complicated…I’ve had to send thousands of elves to training seminars at Sony, Microsoft, Nintendo, and so forth. Endless headaches. Sometimes I long for the days when a child was enchanted by a little wooden horse.

PG: Ha ha, yeah. Moving on…what’s the strangest present you’ve ever been asked for?

Oh, my…where to begin? A boy once asked me for fifteen yards of dolphin intestines–I don’t know what for. There was an excitable American lad who wrote me for years asking for weapons of mass destruction–flame throwers, mustard gas, atomic bombs, you name it. Young Howie Lovecraft wanted an ancient Mesopotamian scroll. And I won’t even tell you what little Donatien de Sade asked for back in 1753.

I’d like to thank Santa again for his time. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!